The Fear of Change

Change is something that happens everyday. One day will never be the same as the next. But as you move from being a child to a teenager to an adult a lot of things change. You mature. Some people don’t. Some people get left as “people I went to school with”. Some people will get lost in the whirlwind of growing up. Some people will hurt you. As you grow older you begin to see the world through the eyes of an adult. You begin to understand the adult conversations that go on around you as a child that just went over your head. It is almost a lightbulb moment. These are all constant changes. I definitely do not find change easy at all.

It is easy to get comfortable with things and the idea of change becomes quite intimidating. I have faced various changes, that have been so mentally challenging I didn’t know how I was gonna get through it. But I did. There have been things that have affected me that you may read and think is questionable. I used to be a lot more dependant on others than I am now. Saying that, I do still have an element of that in me.

I have chosen three examples of change that have occurred so far in my life, that I did not handle so well:

Leaving Sixth Form/Going into the ‘Real World’

Although I hated my sixth form experience when it came a time to leave, the change did not sit well with me. Everything that I knew was gone, the support system, the structure to my days/weeks and now suddenly I had all this free time and no one to go to for advice. I found myself isolating myself. I found myself offering to pick my sister up from school to get that sense of routine back. This change is something every teenager around the world will experience one day, usually the day they are dreaming of. No more teachers telling you what to do. No more detentions. But I found this thought very overwhelming. Everything was down to me now. I haven’t got a teacher making sure I do my work. I wasn’t ready for that change. I wanted to hold on to the security of being a student for a while longer. Eventually I had to adjust, I didn’t have a choice. But it was not an easy adjustment for me as school was a big escape from a lot of emotion for me growing up. I threw myself into school and tried so hard for good grades as I found it as a distraction from what was going on at home. When that distraction isn’t there anymore it is so hard to accept it.

Adjusting To A Life Without My Mum Being Physically Present

This is a drastic overnight change that happened, even though I was expecting it you really don’t realise until someone is gone, the massive hole that is left behind. This is a hole that I can never fill. The build up to this event generated so much fear as the anticipation of the loss was much to great of a burden for my 15 year old self. In ways I was fearing this since I got told of my mums illness aged 10. The word “cancer” generates a million thoughts. From the day of the diagnosis our lives changed forever. More than anyone could ever comprehend. So many changes in such few lives. Now, I am adjusting to life without my mum being here. I have events in life to come that I still cannot comprehend my mum not being there. My wedding. The birth of my child and so so much more. I still fear what is to come. I feel like a wave of grief comes over me every time a life event comes by.

Friends Going on Different Life Paths

The final example I’ll talk about is how the change of friendships is also difficult. My friends mean the absolute world to me and as you grow older you become to spread your wings and do your own thing abit more. I have previously struggled with this as I feared getting forgotten or lost as everyone moves on to the next part in their lives as I felt my life was at a standstill. I saw all my friends doing these wonderful things and achieving so much, which I was so utterly proud of them for but felt an element of sadness as the dynamic of our friendship wasn’t the same. Child’s friendships and adult friendships are two completely different things and it took me a lot of adjustment to understand this. You don’t need to speak to someone every day to validate your friendship. However it takes mutual effort to uphold a friendship. You can not belittle yourself by investing in someone that does not invest in you. This is a massive change from what I was used too and one I did not take well. I put myself down, blamed myself and was generally upset about this and I’m sure a lot of you will relate. But this is life.

It is good to fear things, otherwise life would be boring. But for me, in times of my life it has become almost obsessive. It is important to remember that no matter what is to come, I can not control this. There is nothing I can physically do to stop things happening in my life, past and present.

A new way of thinking of change is to look at it as a positive. For me change represents loss. It represents sadness. But I am working on changing it. I want to fear the change but enjoy the change (to a degree).

Emotions are there to be felt. They are there as lessons. To grow. To flourish. I am working on not letting them contain me but make me learn and get stronger.

Soph x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.