Mothers Day without a Mother…

Mothering Sunday. A day that comes and goes every year. You get through one and then the countdown begins to the next. I definitely believe that the day isn’t that significant until you no longer have that figure in your life. It’s a bittersweet day where a lot of reflection is on your mind.

It’s something you cannot avoid. TV adverts, notifications from apps, emails, general discussions about what people are planning to get their mothers. It’s a day that is unexplainably hard if you have lost your mother through death or even through circumstance. It is a massive highlight on what you don’t have.

For a few years I have been envious in some ways of those that still have their mums to spoil. Not because I feel I am more deserving than another or that my mums worth is greater than another, more that she deserves to be here, she was truly an amazing mother. She deserves to be spoiled. I lost my mum at 15 years old. I never got to take her for a posh lunch or buy her the bag she really liked as I would now as a working adult.

It is so easy to try and block it out, something I did for so long. Running past the Mothers Day aisle in the card shop with my head down. To look at others buying bunches of flowers to give to their beautiful mothers whilst I am buying flowers to lie on my mothers grave.

This year is the first year I have really thought about how I let one day of the 365 days we have in a year affect me so much. Just because it is called Mothers Day doesn’t mean I miss my mum anymore on that day than I do everyday. The heartache is constant. It is just amplified on one day as there are constantly photos and tributes to the wonderful mums that people still get to kiss goodbye when they leave for work everyday.

A few weeks ago I found some messages from my mum asking if I wanted to be picked up from a friends house back in 2013. From my replies I can see how dismissive I was of this and how I just took it for granted. Now I would do ANYTHING to be pestered to know what time I’m coming home or what I wanted for dinner from her. The “C u later. Love you Xx” texts are something I long for.

Until I have children of my own to spoil me it will be a constant day of reminders and thoughts of the “what ifs” and “if only she knew how much I loved her” until the distraction of my own maternal experiences distract me from that. The brutal truth is I lost my mum during my teenage years where most don’t appreciate their mothers. I am no different to that. It will forever be with me things could of been different. If we didn’t spend time arguing instead of me holding her tightly and hearing her calming voice. I can’t change the negatives but what I can do is remember that it was normal.

This year for Mother’s Day I visited my mum, laid some flowers, had a chat with her and came home. I then spent some time with a friend with a film on. It was a very normal day, however I had to keep calming myself down from getting worked up over it.

As I mentioned earlier it is something that affects me on a daily basis rather than a designated day. I am writing this whilst dedicating a night to myself and my wellbeing. Face mask on, music on, bath running. It is so important to look after yourself when feeling a gaping hole in your heart.

I am not ignorant to think that Mothers Day is only negative to those who don’t have a mum, but to those who have lost children, a sister, a nan. Although it is a wonderful day to appreciate the mummas in the world it is a massive reminder to some of what they have lost, or may of never had in the first place.

I am so lucky to have seen and felt the love of the most amazing love. Especially as I know my mum recognised the loss that me and my sister now feel having gone through the same loss of her mum at 22 herself. You are spun into an adult world of survival whether you want too or not.

This is not a post for sympathy or attention, more for awareness as I feel Mothers Day has such positive connotations, however the sad truth is for many it is a day of hurt and reminder. Both are okay.

If you still have your mum around, give her the biggest hug, make her that tea, reply to her concerned text. Though it is easy to take for granted what you have, realise you have something many long for.

I watched a news report today on a little boy who lost his mum to cancer, a story similar to mine yet him and his twin brother are only 10. When you listen to the way he speaks about his loss you can really hear the adult element in the way he carries himself. He was speaking about coming to terms with the fact he will never see his mum again. I can really relate to that and it’s so good he is speaking about it publicly at such a young age. It really demonstrates the impact the loss has, no matter what age you are.

Life is so precious. Don’t take it for granted. Love completely and deeply. If you have your mum around appreciate her with all of your soul because they really are the most amazing humans. They grew you, raised you and loved you and now you can return that appreciation.

I hope you all had a lovely day and was surrounded by love and happiness.

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